I didn't mean to hurt you, really.
I tried my best to conceal my feelings. It was only today, when I really couldn't take it anymore, that I told you how I really felt in these few months.

I thought of a hundred reasons of why I should end this relationship, but those reasons suffice only in the past. You changed into a totally different person now, one that will really value love his other half more than himself. Base on this reason alone, it is more than enough to stay with you and keep our relationship going.

Even though it hurts staying with you as much as breaking up with you, for now, I guess I'd take the chance and hold on, and never look back. It was wrong of me to went to enter that place, but I promise you that I'd never go back there anymore. I could really see how determined you are to help me get over it, and I truly appreciate that.

I love you, I really do. And we'll stay together, till the end of time.

Am I thinking too much? Or is this one of the low point of our relationship? I guess my mood swing was the cause of it...

I've just thought about us. Am I being unfair to you? That I want you to fit into my perception of what a boyfriend should be and not let you define yourself. Do I still feel that you still owe me due to the vast amount of hurt that you'd inflicted on me in the past? I know you are trying your best, but the past isn't something that is easy to be scraped off from my mind. I want to let go of it too, but I really don't know how.

I know I'm imperfect, and you're really the best thing that has ever happened to me because eventually, you still chose me.

Baby, I really don't want to take you for granted. I love you so much, so much.

Time really flies. And you gonna pass out in 1 week's time!

Time really flies when I'm with you too. I guess I'm pms-ing now, which sucks because the time I'm able to spend with you is already so limited yet I'm still being so moody. At times, I ask myself if I really love you, or whether I'm still with you because I'm so used to you being beside me. I admit sometimes I tell myself that I don't feel much for you anymore, to stop myself from hurting so much from thinking about the way you treat me in the past. But I know deep down in my heart I still love you a lot. As cliche as it may sound, I know I can't live without you. Life for both of us for this 2 years gonna be hard. But I know you'll tell me that you'll always be there for me, just like how you whispered that into my ears just now.

And between now and then, till I see you again, I'll be loving you.
Love, me.

Thought I wouldn't be using this blog much, since I've written down all the entries and passed to you as a gift already.

The 2 days spent with you passed by real quickly. Holding you in my arms seemed like a luxury to me. You serving the army really taught me how to appreciate time spent with you. It's so precious baby.. I've been longing for you everyday, wishing that I could feel your lips against mine, tasting the smell of your mouth(:

And then you told me the rifle ceremony - that you have to shout something about protecting the country with the rifle. Your platoon commander then took you to an area that you could see Singapore, and told you guys that that's Singapore, and you're the reason why your loved ones are safe and you were keeping your tears from falling. Boy I'm proud of you(: You're the reason why we're all safe. I need you so much and I really can't live without you.

3 more days till I get to see you again.

Day 13

I can finally say we're meeting tomorrow! :D:D:D

Finally 2 weeks have passed and I can't wait to hold you in my arms and kiss you! :D I'm already feeling so happy now and I can't imagine how elated I'll be when tomorrow comes:D I bet you're feeling as happy as me too(:

You slept so early today though! Which is good (provided that there's no fire drill in the middle of the night) cause tomorrow you'll have more energy when you meet me!
I shall see how my baby changed during the past 14 days! And you must tell me if I grew fatter during the past 2 weeks okay! I've been eating a lot these few days! ): Must tell me okay!!

Baby I really can't wait to see you tomorrow!! :D

Day 12

So sad you don't have enough time to go back to your bunk ): Have been waiting for you to message the whole day): But the waiting paid off when I get to hear your voice at night! :D And I love your dream! It felt very real isit? I hope you weren't sleep-talking! If not all your bunkmates wil know what you were dreaminga bout:p HEHE. And someone's black! :p I wanna see how tanned you become leh! Got a feeling I will feel very white when I'm beside you:p Don't worry I will still love my black pig a lot a lot no matter how black my black pig will be! :D

Day 11

Second day at work! Guess time pass faster when I'm working. Which is good cause it'll feel like I'll be able to meet you sooner!! yay 1 more working day and I can see you already! :D But now my working place no chocholate already! ): Cannot bring abck and let you eat black chocolate already): And I have sudden craving for meatballs! Dear let's go eat when you book out okay! Then we can tour around in Ikea and play hide-and-see in the section full of mirrors! Faster book out k! I miss you so much ): ):

Day 10

Today's my first day at work! Don't worry I didn't see any guys of our age in my company:p but you a bit possessive also good! I LIKE HEHEHE. Cause I know that you care about me and you don't want me to belong to anyone else but you:D I tried to text you whenever I can though! But today I quite busy): Hope tomorrow will be a better day and I'll have more time to text you(:

You're still so sick!! ): I feel like making ginger tea again! Then when I make you to drink whenever you're sick you won't dare to fall sick so easily already:p I should do that hor? HEHEHE.

Day 9

Met Avril for dinner at night! And 80% of our conversation is about you:D About how retarded both of us are and she said next time our kids sure damn cute and retarded like us! :D

And you had fever today! ): Silly): Why never take care of yourself! ): I'm so worried for you right now): Hope your fever will be gone by tomorrow, but it's also quite shiok to report sick right! Hehe. Just hope they won't take your weekends away to make-up for the training that you missed):

YAY A FEW MORE DAYS! :D

Day 8

Woohoo 6 more days baby! :D

Today's such a wonderful day because I get to hear your voice first thing in the morning! :D I just realised I only replied to your second message at 6.27am and I only realised you sent the first message (6.16am) several hours later! HAHA. But I ended up couldn't sleep after that and I did housework (wash 3 days worth of dishes and sweep 1 week worth of dust) HEHE. Proud of me not dear! (:

Met Iris in the late afternoon and I tried to find suitable materials to write down all these daily entries (I'm typing all these into the computer for now!) but aiyer): I kind of decided what to use but I hope you wouldn't mind this present):

Oh ya, I think I sounded quite sian when I talked to you at night right:p I kind of just woke up from my sleep and I still felt damn tired when I talked to you): Hope your stand-by bed went well and I guess you're asleep by now! Hope no more surprise enemy attack tonight so you can sleep in peace! HEHE.

Day 7

We're halfway through baby!

And I get to hug you in my dream today! Felt so happy in my dream!! (: Can't wait to go back to sleep and dream of you more(: But I feel damn dumb! Why out of all time I chose to be asleep when you called): I till now still damn angry with myself!! ): I hope you didn't feel too upset when I didn't answer your call): I didn't expect that you'd call so early!!Don't care, tomorrow okay! ): I won't sleep/leave my phone before you call at night! Hehehe.

On the bright side, one more week and I'll be able to see you already!! :D

Day 6

Hello darling!

I went to your house in the morning to pass your parents the letter that you gonna read. They looked quite happy when they saw me and I was quite glad because it seemed like they already accepted me as their daughter-in-law HEHEE. Don't laugh at the way I think okay! I know I retarded):

Today's just like any other day, time crawls slower than a snail): The weather's a killer too.. I hope you won't get too sunburned, though I can imagine my baby looking extremely adorable with the red cheeks:D Hope you're taking good care of yourself over there when I'm unable to be there to take care of you): So worried about you can):):): Hope tomorrow's weather will be better! ):

Day 5

Receiving your messages at anytime of the day makes me feel so happy! :D And I felt even happier that you feel happy receiving my messages too :D :D

Went to Town/Bugis with Jolene just now! She brought me green tea frap! But the taste is kind of different already): Was searching for a cap for you and it's so hard to find one that I'm extremely certain that you'll like it. So I gonna drag you down to Bugis one day to find your cap + shop with me! :p

You sounded so tired when we were on the phone just now): Sigh): I hope you have enough sleep over there): Endure for 9 more days okay! You'll see me in 9 days time and I allow you to snore when you're sleeping:p I realise I never hear you snore before!

Just finished writing the letter to you too, I hope my handwriting is readable cause I tried to write as neatly as I can, as straight as I can already! Must like the letter okay! Cause I like it also!! HEHE.

Okay dear! I'm going to sleep already. I'm starving at 1AM and I'm looking forward to meeting you in lalaland! Goodnight dear! I'm going to send you a 'Good morning' message soon! :p

Letter

Hello dear!

I heard that you will receive this letter during your field camp in the second week, so I shall presume you're reading this during your field camp k! Don't laugh at me if I got the scenario wrong):

I realise field camp = no returning to bunk = no messaging/talking to me): But now you've received a letter from me so I guess this letter can compensate the days of not spending time communicating with me(: And during the next few days without your phone, you can read this letter over and over again if you miss me! HEHEHE.

If you feel tired and are on the verge of giving up, just think of me okay! Just imagine me beside you walking this journey with you and cheering you on(:

If you're hungry, think of the buffet that we gonna have when you book out! My goal is to fill you up with protein to compensate the little meat you consume when you're inside, so that you can grow heavier and thus make me feel much lighter when I stand beside you :p

If you miss me and are unable to read the letter, you can pretend your rifle is me and hug your rifle. Because I heard that the rifle is your wife in army right? Don't worry I won't be jealous of your rifle even though I'd really wish to be your rifle there! Just that I'll be a white rifle! :p

I cannot emphasise how much I miss you in words because I miss you so much): So I gotta wait for you to book out and show you how much I miss you and you can give me the -_- face :p

Dear, hang in there okay! By the time you read this, it's halfway through your field camp, and you gonna see me in a few days time! So endure a while more okay! I will wait for you<3

Promise me you'll take care of yourself okay. I'll take care of myself too, so you don't have to worry about me(: I love you baby<3 And I really can't wait to hold you in my arms and never let you go(: Muackzxzxz<3

Day 4

The dream that I had - the one that you flirt with Livia made me so angry and jealous. But isn't it good? Cause even in my dream, I love you so much! :p

Today's just like any other day. Staying at home, staring into nothing and missing you like crazy. I totally didn't have the mood to do any other things): But it cheered me up was messages from you when you get the time to rest in your bunk! And next time record more voice clips on msn for me okay! So I can listen to those clips repeatedly when I wanna hear your voice in the day(:

I was really envious of Avril though. She gets to meet Ebe tomorrow and yet she's hesitating whether to meet him when I'd give anything to be with you tomorrow.

On the bright side, at least I get to talk to you on the phone everyday! :D I get to know what have you been doing all day, how much you miss me and how much you can't wait to kiss me:D When you said "You must wait for me okay", my heart felt so warm and fuzzy! I don't know why but I really find it damn sweet(: Hehehe. My baby must be looking so adorable when he's sunburnt(: Smiling to myself like a retard because I'm imaginging how you look like already!

You're sleeping now, and perhaps dreaming of me too, cause that's the only time that we can spend time together before you get to book out):

Day 3

I was so glad that I happened to be awake at 5am to reply your messages. Bet you were quite surprised that I actually replied right:p hehehe.

Today's a stay-at-home say for me. Apart from packing the table in the studyroom, wash the dishes and pack my cupboard, I lay on my bed thinking about you, looking at your photos and smelling the shirt that you gave me (still have smell leh! :D). I totally didn't have the mood to do anything else. It's only the third day and it feels like eternity has passed already:( 11 more days baby! We can do it:)

Day 2

Deep inside my heart, I felt happy when I saw your message at 6plus(: No matter how angry I was with you yesterday, the missing-you-so-badly part overrides all the other feelings.

When it rained today, I wonder if you'd catch a cold, or your sinus will act up again. Or maybe your seageant is nice enough to let you guys stay in the shelther since today's quite a bad thunderstorm):

And today when I was out I was trying to find a cap for you!! But damn hard to find the one similar to fox. All the caps are either the ah beng kind or the beanie kind): But don't worry I'd continue finding! (And I'll find one I like so I can wear it if you don't like:p)

I was like some dumbtard smiling to myself till I have Hong Min's eyes when you called me:D:D:D Thought you wouldn't call since 10.30pm has passed. K I shall look forward to your call tomorrow:D:D Hope you'd call though): Calling me to say goodnight also can! At least I get to hear your voice(:

Day 1

I almost died waking at 5.15am today but I'm so glad that I didn't oversleep! I think I'd kill myself if I oversleep la): And I still love to touch your head! Don't worry I won't get addicted to it and go around touching other NS guys bald head! Hehehe. I only want yours but it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity):

I realised the facilities in Tekong quite good leh! At least got proper bed and locker. I hope you find the mattress okay though): I went to touch it and it felt quite hard): I hope you didn't get backache after sleeping on it): Hehehe lao ah pek:D Next the seageant said there's newspaper provided in each bunk. My first thought was "Jonny sure look at the sports section if he has the free time one!" Am i right am i right? :D

And you need to leave in a rush after lunch! Can't hug you properly and you didn't get to see my the last time becaause me and your cousin were not standing with your parents and grandfather and you waved to them!! ): Was so mad at myself for not choosing to stand with your parents laaa): The next time I gonna see you will be 16 May): Hope these 2 weeks will pass fast):

The route back home dug up a lot of memories though. I was walking back from the SRJC bus stop, and I suddenly thought of you beside me, walking hand-in-hand after buying food from the coffeeshop, and I thought of how you'd always say Bonjour when we walked past the bread truck. I really miss you a lot a lot a lot): I didn't know it could hurt this much...

Okay I should stop being emo already. You never called me at night even though you messaged me that you would! HUMPH I DAMN ANGRY OKAY. I WISH TO HAVE A HAPPY MEAL. And my wish is your command! So faster get me happy meal okay! HEHE.

Your dental, then to The Soup Spoon! So sad I didn't get to eat B&J today ): Then off to your workplace to get your timesheet signed and I finally saw the 2 les! HAHA.

Feels like time flies again. Next Tuesday 8.45am, excluding today, it's 4 days later.

):

Perhaps I've been in a bad mood these few days. Perhaps I've been constantly reminded of the awful past these few days. I still feel zoo insecure despite whatever you're doing for me.

I doubt that you'll love me forever, I doubt that you love me more than I love you. I know I shouldn't been thinking this way, especially when you're already so stressed up about so many things.

I need to think straight, to prevent myself from hurting both of us any further. Because I love you. A lot a lot.

Picnic

Today's picnic is quite fail, k it's not even a picnic to start with.
Taking away hokkien mee from the coffee shop and ate it at my home (Y)

Nevertheless, I still cherish the time we spent together regardless of what we're doing (:

Vivo

Dinner and shopping with Avril!
Sigh shopping doesn't cure depression, it causes depression for me:( I see money slipping out of my hands almost instantly.

My ex-workplace rocks manzxzz, cheap food and such a big shopping centre to (window) shop ^^

Just a dream

Ikea meatballs and Rio movie!

The weather could seriously kill people, it was so freaking hot. Guess I must have been really retarded when I raised my hand when the music goes "If you love somebody put your hands up" :D

Okay dental appointment and picnic at my house on Thursday:D:D